Interview with Jeff Immelt

The Wall Street Observer:

Let's get right to the hard questions. Why did General Electric fire you?

Jeff Immelt:

I was not fired, jackass. I am retiring in August.

The Wall Street Observer:

You seem ill today. How does it make you feel knowing that most of the shareholders in your company despise you?

Jeff Immelt:

As long as my check cashes, they can hate me all they want. 

The Wall Street Observer:

When did you become the CEO over General Electric?

Jeff Immelt:

I officially took over the company on September 7, 2001. 

The Wall Street Observer:

Were you working with Al-Qaeda?  

Jeff Immelt:

F*ck you.

The Wall Street Observer:

You have been over the company for 16 years. That is a long time. If I could go back in time and invest my life savings into GE stock, how would it have performed? 

Jeff Immelt:

You would have lost 29.6% I turned every dollar into $0.70.

The Wall Street Observer:

During that same time period, the S&P 500 index gained 124%. Would you like to apologize to the shareholders?

Jeff Immelt:

Hell no. General Electric almost went under during the Great Recession. My leadership kept the company afloat.  Did I get any f*cking thank you letters? 

The Wall Street Observer:

Didn't you cut the dividend?

Jeff Immelt:

I cut the dividend from $0.31 to $0.10 a share per quarter. That move saved GE about $9 billion. You would not believe the senior citizens that kept my phone ringing nonstop over that da*n dividend.  You would have thought that I had slept with their wives and took them doggy style in their own bed. 

The Wall Street Observer:

What are your plans for retirement?

Jeff Immelt:

I am excited for the future. For the past 5 years, I have been working on an exercise program. I will be releasing that and going on a national tour to promote the product. 

The Wall Street Observer:

An exercise program? What the hell?

Jeff Immelt:

This program is cutting edge. I had GE engineers working on this project for years. I spared no cost.  I think we visited almost every strip club in the United States to gather research. 

The Wall Street Observer:

Do you feel that was appropriate using company funds and workers to create an exercise program? 

Jeff Immelt:

I sleep fine at night. 

The Wall Street Observer:

Thank you , Mr. Immelt, for your time. 

Jeff Immelt:

My pleasure.