Bank of America raises dividend 60%

Bank of America has increased its dividend payment to $0.48 cents per share.

The company will pay shareholders $0.12 cents per share starting in the third quarter. The company was paying $0.075 per share. The new dividend payment is an increase of 60%.

Charlotte, North Carolina has exploded in celebration. The city is the headquarters for the Bank of America Corporation.

Interview with Jeff Immelt

The Wall Street Observer:

Let's get right to the hard questions. Why did General Electric fire you?

Jeff Immelt:

I was not fired, jackass. I am retiring in August.

The Wall Street Observer:

You seem ill today. How does it make you feel knowing that most of the shareholders in your company despise you?

Jeff Immelt:

As long as my check cashes, they can hate me all they want. 

The Wall Street Observer:

When did you become the CEO over General Electric?

Jeff Immelt:

I officially took over the company on September 7, 2001. 

The Wall Street Observer:

Were you working with Al-Qaeda?  

Jeff Immelt:

F*ck you.

The Wall Street Observer:

You have been over the company for 16 years. That is a long time. If I could go back in time and invest my life savings into GE stock, how would it have performed? 

Jeff Immelt:

You would have lost 29.6% I turned every dollar into $0.70.

The Wall Street Observer:

During that same time period, the S&P 500 index gained 124%. Would you like to apologize to the shareholders?

Jeff Immelt:

Hell no. General Electric almost went under during the Great Recession. My leadership kept the company afloat.  Did I get any f*cking thank you letters? 

The Wall Street Observer:

Didn't you cut the dividend?

Jeff Immelt:

I cut the dividend from $0.31 to $0.10 a share per quarter. That move saved GE about $9 billion. You would not believe the senior citizens that kept my phone ringing nonstop over that da*n dividend.  You would have thought that I had slept with their wives and took them doggy style in their own bed. 

The Wall Street Observer:

What are your plans for retirement?

Jeff Immelt:

I am excited for the future. For the past 5 years, I have been working on an exercise program. I will be releasing that and going on a national tour to promote the product. 

The Wall Street Observer:

An exercise program? What the hell?

Jeff Immelt:

This program is cutting edge. I had GE engineers working on this project for years. I spared no cost.  I think we visited almost every strip club in the United States to gather research. 

The Wall Street Observer:

Do you feel that was appropriate using company funds and workers to create an exercise program? 

Jeff Immelt:

I sleep fine at night. 

The Wall Street Observer:

Thank you , Mr. Immelt, for your time. 

Jeff Immelt:

My pleasure. 

Wal-Mart vs. Amazon

The Fake News Has Him Cornered

Cooking with Doug

Doug McMillon, CEO of Wal-Mart Stores, was kind of enough to share his grandmother's meatloaf recipe with our audience.

Fast Fact

Mr. McMillon is the youngest Wal-Mart CEO since founder Sam Walton. In 2014, he took over the top job at the age of 47.


Ingredients Needed

1 Onion                                                 Salt

2 slices of White Bread                        Pepper

1/3 cup of Milk                                     Ketchup

2 Eggs

2 pounds of Hamburger Meat



Directions

(1) Cut up your onion into small cubes.

(2) Tear the two slices of bread into tiny pieces and place in a mixing bowl.

(3) Add 1/3 cup of milk into the bowl.

(4) Add the onions to the bowl

(5) Add 2 eggs into the bowl. 

(6) Put on some gloves and mix all the ingredients together in the bowl with your hands. 

      Note: This is messy and fun!

(7) Put the hamburger meat into the bowl and mix together.

(8) Add a liberal amount of salt all over the hamburger meat.

(9) Add a liberal amount of pepper over the hamburger meat. 

(10) Add a liberal amount of ketchup all over the hamburger meat and mix the contents 
       of the bowl together with your hands. (Use lots of ketchup)

(11) Place your mixture on an oven pan and form into a loaf.

(12) Put ketchup all over the top and sides of the loaf.  (Use lots of ketchup)

(13) Place your loaf in the oven and cook for 60 minutes at 350 degrees. 


I hope you enjoy my grandmother's meatloaf recipe. 

Johnson & Johnson

Alex was always the first one to volunteer for the tough assignments.